Here I am, my flesh, bouncing up and down as I try to transport my body through the sheer street. I’m not even the shadow of who I used to be. To think I was a world class triathlete, and now I’m the fat woman trotting down the street.
To have spent so many years training and nothing to remain in my muscles.
I look at past photographs of myself at a younger age. Trained. Fast. Strong. A winner in the podium and a winner in my soul. I felt I could win anything I wanted because I knew I was a tough worker. I had the confidence to put the hard hours any dream encounter required.
What I would give to relive those years, exactly as they were.
What I would give to have a second round at not making the mistakes I did. At not doubting myself constantly for so many years. At not prioritizing others over me. At knowing how to identify the psychological mistakes of others and mostly, my own flaws.
What I would give, to have that energy back, with the lessons of today.
And so my eyes become glassy and two tears humble down, one in each eye.
Tony Robbins says, we have to be thankful for our problems, because without them, we wouldn't have the lessons to become our better selves; that we should blame our parents for the bad things, but also for the good things.
I know my parents love me, and in a way, they have always supported me, but also in a more blatant way, they have not supported me at all.
My dad has always said, "You can do anything you want", but also he's been extremely perfectionist and nothing that I did seemed to be good enough. As a result, I've growned up doubting myself so much, feeling that I'm never good enough. Phrases like "You break the peace in this family", "You're fat", "You're never going to run as fast as you did before", "Your script won't go anywhere", "It's a waste of time for you to do this", "You haven't proved yourself yet", "Those wins are not really important", "They don't trust you because you're not reliable", "The dog you adopted has destroyed your life". "You've been trying as hard as possible to live somewhere far away from us". And the list goes on.
And I blame my mum for not having a counter argument for all these phrases. For not being an example of a strong, confident, hard worker woman to me.
Still, I should thank them for the good things. Thank them for the mixed messages of you're not good enough but still, we'll support you through anything you want to do. I thank my dad for saying the nasty things to me, because when it comes fighting in this world for what you want, when the competition gets tough, nobody else outside is ever going to say things to me more nicely than he did.